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15 Reasons I Want to Punch My Co-Worker Carl in the Face

at 3:30 pm | By

At least a kick in the shins…


co-worker giving unwanted massage

Credit: TJFritz

Man, we’ve all been here, right? Back at the office after a fun filled weekend will give anyone a case of the Mondays! And we’ve all got that one coworker that does annoying little things that just makes us punch them in the face!

Here are 15 reasons I want to punch my co-worker, Carl in the face

1) Always taking my post it notes!

It’s like, hello buddy, get your own office supplies!

2) He doesn’t like Nutella or bacon!

Ummmmm, who does that?

3) Always insists on ordering anchovies on pizza for the office.

Can you say gross?

4) Unwanted shoulder rubs.

Dude – keep those fishy fingers off me!

5) Always hits on my wife at company functions.

Hey bud, I know she’s cute and all, but back off!

6) Doesn’t respond to my emails fast enough.

I can see your desk from here, you’re not doing any work! You’re just checking your Facebook messages. Hey wait a second… Why is he Facebook chatting with…

7) He won’t stop Facebook chatting my wife Jenny.

Hahah this is getting a little weird. Def face punch worthy!

8) He’s having sex with my wife

Wow, talk about a serious breach of guy code!

9) If I punch him maybe Julie will leave him and come back to me.

Probs not though :p

10) I’ve lost my will to live and think, maybe, just maybe, getting into a physical altercation with Carl will jump start my sense of self worth

Yeah, def not!

11) Years of emotional neglect from my mother.

I don’t think I can keep writing these upbeat captions, when I’m on the brink of a real psychological breakdown; hence the root of my problem. If my mother hadn’t neglected me, maybe I would’ve known how to show affection to Jenny and she wouldn’t have slept with that weasle, Carl.

12) To feel something, anything at all.

I know I’d probably lose the fight to Carl, but even the pain from the repeated blows to my pathetic body. And face would be a nice change of pace from the total emotional nothingness that is my current existence.

13) Carl is my supervisor, despite the fact that he hasn’t earned his high salary or any aspect of the lavish lifestyle that he leads.

What’s that Jenny? You fell in love with Carl because he likes the same books as you? Well some of us were busy paying for the house you’re taking from me. Oh I wonder why Carl had enough time to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez — oh no, it was because I WAS MAKING HIM A FORTUNE.

14) Maybe I’m not mad at Carl or Jenny at all.

Maybe I’m just projecting. Maybe what’s really making me mad is the seemingly endless hamster wheel of despair that is my life as a middle class, project manager living in late capitalism

15) Carl never cleans the office coffee pot and it’s really freakin’ annoying.

Oh, and would it kill him to refill the dang Brita once in a while?

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