In what, for some, is the most rewarding sensation of the last 10 years, many Port Richmond High School 2004 graduates are finding out that their class’s Most Likely to Succeed, Bradley Finnegan III, is a complete and utter failure.
“I heard he knocked up his sister’s best friend – a real gargoyle,” laughed Chris Maloney, known to Finnegan and his friends as Maloney Balogna. “I would never have been able to make my first million if I was stuck raising a kid, you know?”
Finnegan was a straight-A student who had a knack for charming teachers and students alike. However, some classmates don’t remember him so fondly. “That jerk tortured me every day for four years,” recounted Jerry Beller, now a local police officer in the same town Finnegan lives, “But hey, karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?” Beller said as he placed a ticket on Finnegan’s car for a broken headlight that seemed to have been kicked in only moments earlier.
Balding, overweight, and hating his job at the Dairy Queen, Finnegan left unassuming status updates on his Facebook for years before anyone caught onto his deteriorating life. “I didn’t really know what a loser he turned out to be until I came home for the holidays last year and I caught him shoveling his parent’s driveway,” remembered Maloney. “When I asked him when he got back, he asked, ‘back from where?’ That’s when I realized he still lived at home.”
Finnegan has failed to comment because he had to work a double shift at ‘The DQ,’ because his manager Stacy needed to take her driver’s test.