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40% of Black Friday Shoppers Just Trying to Get Away from Mother-in-Law

at 2:44 pm | By

A new study release by Consumer Trends Magazine suggests that up to 40% of Black Friday shoppers are not interested in actually purchasing any new items, but are instead simply trying to get away from their mothers-in-law.

“Black Friday is a terrible experience” explains Jeremy Gruber, one of the men surveyed for the study.

“I hate being surrounded by that many people willing to sacrifice precious family time for the opportunity to save a few dollars on electronics they don’t actually need. I’ve seen the worst of people. I’ve seen fights break out. I’ve seen grown men trample children for a PlayStation 4. But man, does that beat being asked when I’m finally gonna have kids over and over again for an entire day.”

Stephen Corbin, a 38 year old musician turned teacher, dreads his mother-in-law so much, he leaves Thanksgiving early every year, claiming he has to “get in line really early for the best deals.”

Corbin has a garage full of 70 inch flat screen TV’s but says the financial sacrifices he’s made over the years pale in comparison to the anguish he would feel if he were forced to listen to the alternate career paths his mother-in-law suggests every year.

“I’d wait in line for 100 more flat screens if it meant never hearing Barbara say ‘it’s never too late to go back to school, Steve!’”

At press time, Corbin was trying to instigate a fight in the Walmart parking lot, hoping he might sustain injuries that keep him hospitalized until Sunday, when his mother-in-law leaves town.

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