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63 Reasons I Use My Cat as a Bath Towel

at 5:05 pm | By

Different Strokes for Different Cats.


wet cat being held in bathroom

Credit: Shutterstock

Some people air dry, some people use a towel, I’ve even heard of people using a soft t-shirt. Well guess what, I use my cat. No, it’s not crazy. In fact it’s a totally sane thing to do. It’s so sane, I came up with 63 reasons why it’s totally normal. Does that sound crazy? Heck no, ma’am or madam.

1. Because I can dammit, isn’t that enough? Whatever here’s 62 more reasons!

2. Because my dog ran away.

3. Because my wife left. Damn i miss her

4. I love feeling the misery of another living thing.

5. . Because I can’t find my towel

6. Because I don’t feel like doing my laundry this week.

7. Because it’s just our thing we do, OK?

8. Why do they have fur if you’re not supposed to wipe things on them?

9. Because it’s the only way my landlord can get off.

10. Because free rent.

11. It’s also the only way I can come.

12. Towels are merely a social construct.

13. Towels are not self-cleaning like cats.

14. Towels don’t have nipples.

15. Because otherwise my cat won’t talk to me during dinner.

16. Because I wasn’t raised in a barn.

17. Because maybe he’s actually using me as a towel?

18. Because it already has a built in ass/face message. Face for my face, ass for my ass.

19. Because it makes my body extra furry.

20. Because it doubles as a tongue scraper.

21. Because you can’t stare into the eyes of a towel.

22. Because it’s the only way I have left to prove man’s dominion over beast

23. Because mewling gets me hard

24. Because, beastiality.

25. Because a pussycat is the only kind I’ll get.

26. Because using my son got weird when he turned 15.

27. Because I’m late!

28. Because it’s what Jesus would want.

29. Because using a pile of dead birds krazy-glued together is considered “creepy”.

30. Because (indecipherable growling)

31. Because I have a fabric-phobia.

32. Because Satan demands it.

33. Because my mother never loved me, so what?

34. Because I do it for the Vine.

35. Because what else am i gonna do this weekend?

36. Because i have a great personality.

37. Because an old gypsy woman told me to.

38. Because my cat loves me for me.

39. Because air drying takes too long.

40. Because LOL using a fish would make no sense.

41. Because how else would I dry off? Seriously.

42. Because the bag of my sister’s hair is still drying off.

43. Because that’s how uncle showed me when we used to shower together.

44. Because Obama is a socialist.

45. Because felines make me feel fine. 😉

46. Because the damn Mexicans took my job and my towel, probably.

47. Because towels can cause prostate cancer.

48. Because Muslims use towels on their head. No thanks.

49. Because cats are smarter than dogs.

50. I tried using dogs and a great dane bit one of my balls off.

51. Because I had a bad break up with my towels.

52. Because f**k you thats why.

53. Because I use the towel to dry off the cats.

54. Because I’m blind and alone. I don’t know how all this works!

55. Because I used my last towel to clean up all the blood.

56. Because how else are you supposed to wash a cat?

57. Because if it’s gonna pee on me, it’s gonna dry me off after I clean up. That’s the rule.

58. Because my girlfriend likes to watch.

59. Because my girlfriend is my other cat.

60. Because daddy’s webcam series is booming, and that’s what all the pervs wanna see.

61. Because I have to dry off quickly before the Wiccan blood moon harvest ritual

62. My therapist told me to try new things.

63. Because my cat has been dead for weeks so, why not?

As you can see, everyone should be using a cat as a bath towel. Get you life together.

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