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7 Cooler Ways Wes Craven Could Have Died

at 6:02 pm | By

Brain cancer is so boring.


Wes Craven in a spotlight

Source: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Legendary film director Wes Craven died yesterday at the age of 76 after a battle with brain cancer. Though this is clearly sad news, we at the Farce Report couldn’t help but be a little disappointed, we were kind of hoping Craven would go out a little cooler.

Here are 7 way more awesome ways Wes Craven could have died:

1. Demonsion

A demon from another dimension possesses his grandson’s body and plucks his eyes out and makes him eat them.

2. Officer Death

There’s a rash of strange murders happening in Craven’s neighborhood and it turns out the cop investigating them is actually the killer! One night, when Craven and the cop are alone, the cop shoots him in the head, but not before he makes it look like Craven was actually the killer and the cop is free to continue his gruesome murders.

3. Fish Balls

A piranha bites his balls off.

4. Underskin Railroad

A band of deranged, homeless orphans trap Craven in an abandoned train car and rip his flesh off with rusty, civil war era medical equipment.

5. D for Dummy

Something with a ventriloquist dummy.

6. The Twist

Tragedy strikes those he is closest too. At first it starts small — an older relative passes away of a disease that plagued them for a while. Then, a seemingly random car accident claims the life of a childhood friend. Craven curses his luck, but ultimately thinks nothing of it. A year passes and his family begins to die in stranger and stranger ways. A cousin perishes at a carnival ride. His brother drowns while rafting. He’s starting to go crazy. He doubts his sanity and constantly wonders if he will be next until finally his wife, a famed photographer is killed when someone shoots an arrow through her neck, but not before she snaps a photo of the killer! Craven somehow recovers the memory card and finds the picture: IT’S HIM. HE WAS THE KILLER ALL ALONG. HE KILLS HIMSELF OUTTA GUILT. How bout that for a twist ending M. Night Shyamalan?

7. The Rub

Dehydrated from pleasuring himself too much.

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