Hot liquid? No, thanks.
Do you pass when someone passes you a bowl of soup? Here’s why:
1. You don’t conform to societies expectations when it comes to slurping things with a spoon. Hell yeah, man, you’re a rebel. You’re not going to stick around and become another sheep to the soup conspiracy. You eat solids with a fork like humans were meant to do.
2. Soup backwards is puos which sounds French or something. And you hate the French more than you hate soup, which is a lot. The French have done everything from sound funny when they talk to living all the way across the ocean. It’s like, what don’t these guys do to piss you off? So how could you expect to eat something that sounds French backwards. Stick to Freedom Fries, buddy.
3. You don’t have a mouth. This can definitely make your soup consumption a difficult situation. No one wants to snort scalding hot liquid.
4. Your Dad was soup. And your Dad was kind of a dick. Like, not a terrible dude. A single-dad working two jobs. You know, he did the whole Saturday hang outs, he took you to R-rated movies before he should have. But he also left when you were a young teen and married that loaf of bread. You can’t look passed that.
5. Your grandfather was killed by a spoon. He was a war hero, sure, he was one of the bravest men in the history of the country. Everyone will remember his service. That’s why it’s so hard to think about the fact that he was killed by the use of spoon. If he wasn’t using a spoon, he would have never choked on it at the retirement home. He lived a long life. Not long enough.
6. You were verbally abused by a liquid for several years while living in foster care. After your Dad left, where else could you go but a foster home? While there a bottle of Vitamin Water really let you have it. It called you skinny, then called you fat, and then skinny again. You just couldn’t please this liquid, and it was physically exhausting to keep losing and gaining weight.
7. Once a bowl of soup is finished you must find the person who made the soup and kill them. It’s not that you mind killing people, but sometimes it can be really hard to find the person who made the soup. Think about it, if you’re having a Campbell’s soup on the go, who made that? Who’s responsible?
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