Sometimes it’s impossible to be married. Especially when your husband has the intelligence of a Chihuahua on Xanax. And the only thing worse than having a husband is having to convince him that you’re not mad at him, even though you seriously want to rip out his heart and bite into it, Mortal Kombat style.
Well, instead of repeating, time after time that “No, you’re not mad,” even though you totally are, there are other things to passively make him figure it out. Here are 7!
1. Say You’re Not Mad
I know I just said this one can get redundant. But hey, it works. Even if you’re livid, just very quietly and smugly say, “No nothings wrong, okay?” The idiot won’t even know that what you’re actually saying is, “Yes, something’s wrong,” and go right back to playing his dumb video games.
2. Just say, “It’s fine.”
No matter what he says or asks, just respond with “It’s fine.”
“Hey babe, everything okay?”
“Hey babe, you’re stabbing your mashed potatoes really hard.”
“Honey, your hand is bleeding.”
3. Instead of saying anything, cut the power during a playoff game to change a lightbulb.
Show him how NOT mad you are by helping him with some of the chores that you repeatedly begged him to do but he was never able to accomplish.
4. Ask him about his pilates class in front of his bros.
You’re a fun-loving girl. So is your man and all of his friends that eat all the food in your house and keep their shoes on even though you specifically asked them to take their shoes off. When your husband asks you if you’re mad then says, “You shouldn’t be, just be chill, babe,” show him how chill you are by asking him how his pilates class went. Ask him if his groin is feeling better after hurting it during yoga. That will show him how breezy you are!
5. Ask him why he didn’t clean up his tinkle on the toilet after using it.
Your husband has said numerous time that there’s nothing to be upset about when he talks to Cindy for over an hour on the front porch when she’s in those short shorts and white t-shirt without a bra. He tells you to calm down and just “chill.” So show him how chill you are by responding to his request with a question. “Hey honey, was that your tinkle on the toilet seat?”
6. Say you’re on your period for three months straight.
And then when he comes inside from the porch and he’s obviously in the mood after talking to Cindy Cindy Cindy, tell him you’re on your period. Then, keep that going for three months. Because you’re not mad that the only time he wants to have sex with you is when he wants to think about Cindy, you’re just not in the mood.
7. Accidentally bleach his favorite jersey.
When he tells you you can’t be mad that he doesn’t know how to do laundry so you have to do it, you should agree with him. You should say, “No, I’m not mad, I’m happy to do your laundry,” and then when he’s busy watching polishing off his third beer before lunch, you can accidentally pour a half a bottle of bleach on his favorite jersey. “Oh no! I guess I don’t know how to do laundry after all!”
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