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9 Other Useless Jobs Boehner Would Be Perfect At

at 3:53 pm | By

Boehner recently announced that the end of October he will resign from being the House Speaker. This means two things, the House Speaker seat is open, and Boehner is going to have to find something else to do with his time.

Seeing Boehner was just about the most useless House Speaker ever to grace the seat, we figured he could help this country by trying out for some of the other useless jobs this country offers. If his resume is any indication, Boehner would be top notch at any of these jobs.

1. Substitute Teacher

john boehner as a substitute teacher

Credit: Pool /Getty; Shutterstock

First, his name would be perfect for ridicule from a class of twenty snickering 7th graders. As well, he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just pop in a movie and let those kids fall asleep at their desk. Not far away from what he’s doing now.

2. Time Warner Cable Phone Operator

boehner working for TWC

Drew Angerer/Getty; Shutterstock

Only job that requires more incompetence than House Speaker is a Time Warner Cable operator. Let customers wait for hours before telling them you have no idea what the problem is and then putting them back on hold for another hour. Perhaps transfer them to the wrong department so they can start the process all over again, waiting even longer to get back to your voice.

3. Home Depot Associate

John Boehner working at home depot

Credit: Rendan Smialowski /Getty Images; Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Who loves walking aimlessly through dozens of aisles of hardware? With Boehner in an orange vest, you can guarantee you’ll have no clue where to find that tiny bolt for your refrigerator door. “Aisle 22x-15, just across from aisle R3-22x.”

4. US Post Office Attendant
Here’s a job Boehner probably helped create. Better yet, he can keep his government benefits. Just sit behind a plexiglass counter and give everyone that comes up to you the nastiest look you can possibly make. Sounds easy to me!

5. Sign Spinner

john boehner as a sign spinner

Credit: Paul J. Richards/Getty Images; Alex Wong/Getty Images

What’s better than a sign stuck to a pole? A man holding a sign, because that helps businesses, right? Boehner would be perfect. Pretty much the job he has now, except he has to hold a sign. He has hands, right? Easy! Grow your hair out and let it happen, Boehner!

6. Elevator Operator on an Automated Elevator
This pretty much is Boehner’s job. Just stand their and grown while the American people go about their day. You don’t even have to touch any buttons, just stand there and pretend like your job is need. (Psst. It’s not!)

7. Gym Teacher
Closest thing to a workout video for kids. Just throw a ball into the center of a gym and blow a whistle a few times. I imagine Boehner can handle that, right?

8. Self-Checkout Clerk
While people ring up their own groceries, you can stand their and pretend like you’d doing something behind your little register. When people don’t understand the self-checkout machine, you can walk up and push a few buttons. Your day will melt away without any feeling of accomplishment.

9. Toll Booth Operator
We have coin-operated toll booths and automated machines that everyone pretty much uses. But here, you can sit in a small room and take people’s hard earned money while doing almost nothing for it. Whoa! This sounds like your job now!

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