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“Social Media Ninja” Attacked By Actual Ninjas

at 9:19 am | By

AUSTIN, TX – Doctors at University Medical Center are treating the wounds of a self-proclaimed “Social Media Ninja” after he was brutally attacked by actual ninjas. Jim Stephens, 26, was walking alone in Downtown Austin when the assault occurred. “I was just minding my own business, browsing through Twitter, when all of a sudden, these ninjas jumped out of nowhere and started punching and kicking me,” the visibly shaken Stephens said, adjusting his now-broken glasses.

Trying to recall the blurry details of the event, he said that his Social Media Ninja training instinctively kicked in, and he immediately started live-Tweeting the attack while taking only brief pauses to take selfies of he and his black-clad assailants and post them to Instagram. “My 230 followers couldn’t believe what was happening,” said Stephens with a strange mix of sadness and pride.

“My live-tweeting of the attack was trending locally, and the video of me getting roundhouse kicked in the face got over 500 likes on Instagram. The hashtag, #HelpMeNinjaAttack really took off, as did my Twitter Poll: RT for ‘Call for help’, Fav for ‘Play dead’.”

Stephens said that after about five agonizing minutes, the ninjas vanished just as quickly as they appeared. Austin Police still haven’t determined a motive for the vicious attack, and are concerned that similar assaults might be carried out on other members of the area’s large community of Social Media Evangelists, Mavens, and Gurus.