News so real... it probably isn't

After 54 Stingrays Die, Zookeepers Mourn with Giant Feast

at 2:20 pm | By

(Photo by shutterstock)

“They are such versatile creatures,” head zookeeper George Blandmuth, at Brookfield Zoo in Chicago, recently said about stingrays. He used a napkin to wipe a tear from his eye and a crumb from his lip. Last Friday, the zoo lost 54 stingrays due to a mechanical malfunction with their tanks.

“We did our best to save them, and we feel awful that we couldn’t save more of these wondrous and delicious creatures,” assistant to aquatic life, Xan Yum added.

“And the zookeepers, which spent all weekend trying to save these animals, worked up with quite a hunger by the end of it all,” admitted Blandmuth. “When you’re hungry, and tired, and there’s 54 freshly passed sea creatures surrounding you, what do you expect?”

The feast went long into the night with fresh sushi, grilled stingray, stingray salad, and monkey brain pudding. “Though the weekend ended on a sad note,” Yum said, “Our friends, the 54 stingrays, would be glad to know they were able to feed all four of us.”

In unrelated news, beloved monkey, Boo Boo, has gone missing from Brookfield Zoo’s Tropic World.