News so real... it probably isn't

All Gays Decide Republicans Are Right; Choose Not to Be Gay

at 11:48 am | By

“We choose to love each other!”


(Photo by TJFritz)

Photo by TJFritz

Across the country today, every single gay person admitted that the Republican party was right and collectively stopped choosing to be gay.

Former gay man Sam Mercado expressed relief following his decision to become straight saying, “It’s a real load off, to be honest with you. I mean, facing discrimination from a young age was tough. Building a loving, committed relationship with another man and raising a family took a lot of effort, but I finally just listened to what social conservatives had to say, and stopped choosing to live in sin.”

Ex-Lesbian Cindy Cohn echoed Mercado’s sentiments stating that, though she was repulsed by the idea of having sex with men, she was “really excited to not burn in hell for all eternity.”

Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee lauded the decision of the country’s LGBT community noting that he was particularly happy for the children of former gay couples by saying “those kids are all better off now that they’re being raised in broken, straight homes.”

Not all news is positive following the end of homosexuality. Now that there are no more gay men, all broadway shows have been cancelled indefinitely and there are plans to convert most broadway theaters into Buffalo Wild Wings locations.

Are you choosing to be gay? Stop now and SHARE this article!