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Archeologists Theorize Jesus Might Be Gay

at 2:25 pm | By

New artifacts discovered in Nazareth suggest religious figure may have been a homosexual.

(Photo by Instagram)

Photo by Instagram

Though Jesus is widely believed to have worked as a carpenter, a new translation of a Nazarene municipal document shows that he was not employed in a woodshop, but instead a carpentry themed bar named “The Wood Shop.”

Christian conservatives are incredibly angered by this new theory. Pastor Thomas Ditch of Mobile, Alabama voiced his disbelief to reporters, saying “There’s nothing gay about Jesus! What’s gay about a really polite, caring man who preached about loving everyone equally? There’s nothing gay about a long haired guy in great shape, who wore long flowing garments, traveled from town to town recruiting men to hang out with and ultimately got beat up by a bunch of soldiers for being different. Someone please explain to me what’s gay about that?”

Other homophobic Christians were hoping for news that Jesus was at least a top, but at press time, all reports were still inconclusive.

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