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As Cold Weather Diminishes, Americans Unsure What to Complain About

at 11:01 am | By
spring flowers

Screw this flower. (Photo by Wiki / Anita Martinz)

All around the country snow is melting and the weather is becoming ripe for blooming flowers and sprouting leaves.

“It sucks,” said one disgruntled man on the streets of New York, “Now what am I supposed to spend my time complaining about?”

It’s a shared sentiment, Americans around the country have experienced increased stress levels, unsure of what they can hate, and subsequently, talk about.

“Most of our lives are spent divided on issues: republicans vs. democrats; blacks vs. whites; thin crust vs. deep dish,” explained sociologist Dr. Harry Belamonte, “so when something like cold weather comes around, everyone can join in on the universal hatred. For example, I met my wife when we both had uncontrollably started screaming at the snow.”

Dr. Belamonte assured us this lull of hatred will pass, “Once July hits, even if it’s a comfortable 75°, we’ll all join in to blame the heat for our miserable lives. It’ll be great.”