After the rumor that a giant asteroid would be hitting Earth was dispelled by NASA, Edward Stockton– leader of the Mendocino, California Based “Church of Alf”– told reporters he was “incredibly embarrassed” about the mass suicide he organized in preparation for the destructive event.
“Jeez what can I say, I really thought this was going to be it,” Stockton shrugged, while standing in a field of strewn out, dead bodies all wearing matching purple tunics. “Mikey read about it on the official Alf message board, so we figured ‘let’s kill ourselves just to be safe.’”
Stockton then explained he was only spared because it was his job to negotiate with his new alien overlord and secure his followers a “primo spot in Alf heaven, with all the cats we could eat.”
When asked what his plans were now that all 100 of his followers were dead Stockton replied “I don’t know man, I guess I can just keep everyone’s stuff? Maybe use the money to get a studio apartment and go back to school like my mom wants me to?”
At press time, Stockton was searching for a pawn shop that would help him unload 100 wedding rings quick.
Would you like to join a cult? SHARE this article and you’ll be part of ours!