A 52-year-old man named Jerry Pence thought he was expertly hiding his baldness from the world yesterday simply by donning a red baseball cap. Pence, who has been struggling with his hair loss since the age of 23, was thrilled with how easy he thought it was to fool everyone into thinking he had hair.
“The second I put on the hat, I could sense a difference,” the delusional middle aged man told reporters.
Pence was so sure of the effectiveness of his strategy that he even thought women were beginning to check him out.
“I saw these two hot model types really looking at me on the train. You know, normally those kind of girls don’t go for me, but when I’ve got this puppy on, I guess I’m a new man!” the sad, slightly overweight accountant said while smiling harder than he had in years.
This is hardly the first time Pence has convinced himself he has bested mother nature. Two years ago, he was sure the Rogaine he had purchased at Costco was working for him when, in reality, the black pillow cases he was sleeping on at the time were leaving behind black fuzzies on his shiny, hairless head.
Before that, as a younger but equally pathetic man, he employed a comb over technique for an embarrassingly long amount of time. Growing the sides of his hair far longer than necessary, and shielding the balding middle and back of his head, in the hopes that no one was noticing, even though everyone obviously did.
Pence also attempted other strategies to distract from his baldness. For example, he had a goatee and diamond earring phase. While this course of action was successful in diverting attention away from his baldness, he did come across looking like some kind of gay pirate.
Currently, however, Pence has abandoned those strategies and is instead fully committed to the use of hats to, in his words, “make everyone think I have hair again.”
After having such a successful outing with his baseball cap, Pence was seen entering a local, upscale hat shop, where he spent 400 dollars on various forms of headwear.
“Why stop at tricking people into having hair,” the woeful man with a stunning lack of self awareness giddily asked reporters. “With the right hat, I can make people think anything!” the poor man cackled.
“I bought a Kangol hat when I want people to think I have hair and am cool. I bought beret when I want people to think I have hair and I’m artsy. I bought a Fedora for special occasions where I would want people to think I have hair, and I bought a top hat when I’m trying to portray a guy with hair that also knows how to be silly and whacky sometimes,” Pence explained his pitiful, ridiculous plan to reporters.
At press time, Pence was sending his ex-wife a selfie while wearing a cowboy hat. The accompanying text message read “Ready for one more rodeo??” Her response is still pending.
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