In a press conference today Bill Clinton’s mistress, Brandi Garmin, announced that she has formally endorsed Hillary Clinton in her run for President in 2016. Garmin, a Manhattan cocktail waitress, has been sleeping with Mr. Clinton “on-and-off” for the last several months after they met during one of the former President’s drunken benders.
“Hillary Clinton is a beacon of hard work, dedication, intelligence, and loyalty that all women should follow,” Garmin said. “It is these qualities that Hillary exemplifies and what makes her my choice, and frankly, the clear and best choice to be our next President.”
Garmin, a community college student, went on to talk about Mrs. Clinton’s (a Rhodes Scholar, herself) shared values and viewpoints, such as education and women’s rights. “Hillary wants what’s best for all women, for them to advance in their careers and be the best versions of themselves — a sentiment I share as well.”
When asked if the fact that she was currently boning Clinton’s husband created any conflicts of interest with her endorsing the former Secretary of State and U.S. Senator for President, Garmin dismissed the question as nonsense. “Just because I give her husband tuggers every Thursday does not mean that I can’t, with clear conscience and absolute certainty, proudly throw in my support for Hillary Rodham Clinton in her inspirational quest to become our first female President. She’s truly a hero of mine.”