“If it ain’t kosher, it ain’t happenin'”
Daniel S. Schwartz, CEO of the international fast food chain Burger King, has announced that all bacon and pork products will be removed from all restaurants to comply with his religious beliefs. Schwartz, a Jew (obviously), has decided that his religious beliefs are more important than satisfying the hunger of millions of people who don’t practice his type of religion.
“Even though Jews could just not order bacon on their burger or chicken sandwich, I feel like it’s a good idea to inconvenience as many people as possible as well as help the company lose millions of dollars a year,” said Schwartz.
Schwartz was inspired by Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. “It really wasn’t so much that whole thing though. It was her and her 3rd and 4th husband. They showed up to a Burger King yesterday, just after she was released from jail. I so happened to be making my routine visit to Bumblef*ck, Kentucky when they walked in and ordered everything, EVERYTHING with extra bacon. Even their cola had bacon in it.” Schwartz shivered in disgust. “They bought every last slice we had in the restaurant.
“Those fat faces gorged for hours. We couldn’t get them leave the store, praising Jesus for the fact their arteries hadn’t completely clogged. I decided right then and there no more bacon.”
While Schwartz is citing religious beliefs, because apparently people will defend any moron if you do, it’s really about the haunting thought of Kim Davis and her fat husbands that’s really ruining breakfast, lunch, and dinner for all of us.
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