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Cheryl the Secretary Wants to Know, “Can the New Coffee Maker Remember Everyone’s Birthday?”

at 2:08 pm | By

 

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Following months of feeling threatened by a fancy kitchen appliance, Cheryl Roberts, the office manager and head administrative assistant at the Meegan, McGovern and Schneider law firm in White Marsh, Maryland, shouted, “Well, can the new coffee maker remember everyone’s birthday?” after overhearing her boss laud the new macchiato machine.

The 65-year-old’s frustrations are understandable considering her almost complete lack of useful skills in a 2015 workplace, but from all accounts, her outburst backfired as the senior partners called her into their office to discuss ending her tenure at the firm shortly thereafter.

“What set Cheryl apart were her little personal touches. She knew everyone’s coffee order, remembered everyone’s birthday, knew the best places to order lunch, and reminded everyone when our big meetings were,” said firm partner Patrick Meegan, Jr.

“But now, honestly, a google calendar, a coffee machine, and all the food ordering apps kinda make her obsolete.”

“What these young kids don’t know is that you can have as many gadgets and gizmos as you want, but if you don’t have good morale, this whole company’s going to crumble. They’ll be sorry,” an indignant Roberts told reporters on her way out of the office.

Though it appears most of the firm’s staff were relieved to hear about her dismissal.

“She was too chatty,” paralegal Eric Rivera told the Farce Report. “I’ve lost entire hours of productivity listening to terrible stories about her grandkids. Also, she kept sending out memos through the fax machine. I don’t think she knew how to use a computer. It’s probably better she’s gone.”

At press time, Mrs. Roberts was removing her Dilbert cartoons and motivational poster featuring a cat hanging from a tree branch which read “Hang in There” from the break room.

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