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Chipotle Delivery App Fails as Obese People Too Lazy to Open Front Door

at 12:18 pm | By
Chipotle delivery

(Photo by Creative Commons / Brandon)

Just as Chipotle gears up for its new delivery service, using both phone app and Apple Watch, they are quickly realizing that the demographic they aimed to please is having trouble breathing.

The delivery service idea sparked after a large number of customers complained about having to stand in line. What Chipotle didn’t realize, is that the complaint was more general than they ever thought. “Standing for any period of time, anywhere, seems to be the issue we’re working with right now,” said CEO Steve Ells, “While customers love the idea of delivery, they hate the idea of standing up and walking, even a few feet, to receive the order and tip the delivery person.”

Chipotle is already responding to the complete and utter laziness by adding new options to the delivery service, Chest Trough and Manual Shoveling. As Ells explains, “If a customer orders a Chest Trough, our delivery person will walk into your apartment, or parent’s basement, and strap a small bucket around your neck that can rest on your chest. The customer only has to bend their neck down and chew. If that’s too much work, you can order a Manual Shovel, where our delivery person will deliver two large shovel-fuls of food to your mouth.” Ells made sure to remind us that side-sauces are complimentary but guacamole and CPR are extra.