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Comcast To Offer Slower Internet Connection For Customers Who Like To Chill

at 6:27 pm | By
Computer Guy2

(Photo by shutterstock)

In a statement released earlier today, Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts announced the company would begin offering slower internet connections for their laid back customers who like to chill.

Roberts, addressing media from company headquarters in Normal, Illinois stated that Comcast had too long catered to the whims of “nerds” and “snitches” that demanded things like adequate customer service and prompt solutions to technical difficulties. Roberts instead said his company will now focus on “super chill bros whose vibes are totally freaked out when you start throwing around terms like ‘download speed’ and ‘reliability.’”

Rad dudes and hella tight buds across the nation expressed enthusiasm for the new plan. While smoking a hookah in his parent’s basement where he lives, 23-year-old Brad Stephens said, “Fast internet’s a bummer. If there’s no buffering, when will I have time to check on my Digiorno?” Stephens then recounted a story in which, according to him, the internet at his house was so fast he forgot a Digiorno pizza in the oven and burned down his childhood home.