Authorities are on the lookout for a man who stole $75,000 from a Walmart disguised as an armored truck driver. He apparently walked into the store and into the cash office, signed a deposit slip and left with a bag of cash. Completely incompetent store manager, Dale Dirker, didn’t realize the mistake until the real armored truck driver showed up hours later.
“Wow. I mean, I can’t believe this could happen to me,” said 18-year-old Dirker who had no idea his shirt was on backwards, “I mean, who knew you could just buy an armored truck driver uniform? I thought you had to really earn one of those things, j’know?” After being told ‘j’know’ is not a real word, Dirker chuckled and wiped the toothpaste from his mouth that had been there for days, “I’m just learning things left and right today, ain’t I?”
Police Chief Wayne Williams held a short press conference about the PD’s strategy for finding the thief, “We’re going to take a lax approach to this case, because honestly, that was such a badass move, we kind of hope this guy gets away with it.”
Meanwhile, Dirker has been demoted to assistant store manager. “Fine by me,” said Dirker, “I still get to use the same bathrooms as the full time managers anyway. That is to say the public bathrooms.”
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