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Congress Raises Productivity Goals to Equal That of Male Nipples

at 9:20 am | By

(Photo by SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)


In an effort to boost approval rating back into the double-digits, the 114th United States Congress has identified a lofty new productivity goal.

“Male nipples serve as an example we hope to match. Not just in terms of usefulness, but in efficiency and productivity as well,” explained Speaker Boehner.

Reports were quick to point out that male nipples are neither productive nor useful in any way, but the Speaker was already in a car headed for the airport.

Tucker Cromwell, the Speaker’s aide, issued a brief rebuttal to the comments saying, “Male nipples are the eyes of the torso. They allow us to differentiate between cool, manly chest hairs and the gross hair halos that congregate around the nipple. Also, men aren’t going to tell you when they’re cold, but their nips will. They don’t get the credit they deserve, much like speaker Boehner.”