The Chicago Cubs lost to the New York Mets last night, going down 3-0 in the National League Championship Series, all but ensuring their 108th consecutive non-championship season. Though the historically terrible franchise took one step closer to ending their season with an embarrassing sweep, this year’s team was much more successful than anyone expected and certainly much more successful than annoying Cubs fans deserve.
“Usually the Cubs are so terrible, we’re eliminated from title contention by August. It’s nice that I got to delusionally believe this team might win the World Series for an extra month or two,” lifelong Cubs fan Ray Most told reporters this morning.
Other fans are still holding out hope. Dillon Fortson, a grown man so stupid he legitimately believes his team hasn’t won a championship because a goat was ejected from Wrigley Field during World War II, is hoping the Cubs can make a historic comeback.
“The Red Sox were down 3-0 in 2004, and they came back and won the whole thing and two more since then. Maybe we can be the new Red Sox,” Fortson exclaimed enthusiastically.
“Maybe we can go from annoying losers, to douchey winners. Right? Maybe that can happen to us, right?” the same man shouted, to no one in particular, before collapsing, sobbing into his Arietta Jersey and repeating the phrase “Jake, why did you betray us?” over and over again.
After he gathered himself, Fortson apologized and told reporters “If the Cubbies get swept it’ll be the worst thing that’s ever happened to Chicago.”
When reporters informed him that Chicago was experiencing historic levels of gun violence, with over 400 homicides reported for the year of 2015 alone, he said “Oh sorry, I meant the Cubs getting swept would be the worst thing to happen to white people in Chicago.”
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