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Delicious New Subway Vinaigrette Totally Makes up for Jared’s Child Abuse

at 1:27 pm | By



Credit: Shutterstock; Valerie Macon/Getty Images

Following the disturbing release of tapes in which former spokesman Jared Fogle can be heard admitting to having relations with children, Subway has promised to release a new vinaigrette that’ll make America completely forget about “that nonsense.”

Subway CEO Fred DeLuca described the new condiment in a press conference, yesterday.

“We here at Subway are proud to be starting a new chapter in our company’s history! In fact, we’ve cooked up a sauce that will totally make you forget our former spokesman was caught on tape bragging about ‘amazing sex’ with children. That’s right, our new Tikka Masala Vinaigrette fuses the richness of traditional mediterranean cooking with the bright, vibrant flavors of southeast Asia for a flavor that’s 50% decadent, 50% spicy and 100% free of association with sustained child abuse!”

The new sauce seems to be a hit with customers. We spoke to Daniel Mueller, who hadn’t been to a Subway location since the Fogel sex abuse scandal broke out, but was convinced to give the restaurant chain a second chance after he received a coupon in the mail to try their new sauce, for free.

“I know what he did was horrific, but man, this tastes so unique, so flavorful. Is there mayo in this? There isn’t? Wow, it tastes like there is,” Mueller took a bite of his sandwich and reclined in his chair.

“Anyway, what were we talking about — Oh that’s right! The child rapist! See, this vinaigrette really is that good!”

At press time, Subway’s test kitchen was hard at work on a cookie they’ll release if anymore weird Jared sh*t surfaces.

Want to try the new dressing? Subway will send you a box, just SHARE this article and forget about Jared, please.