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Department of Health Says 4th Graders Blood Is Now 30% Red Bull

at 1:50 pm | By
kids in school drinking red bull

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Routine physicals at Forest Lawn Middle School have uncovered some alarming results.

When several students were being checked for diabetes, lab technician Chris Alford made a shocking discovery. “I was actually drinking a Red Bull at the time, looking at the results and it was like I was reading off the side of the can. These kids don’t have diabetes, they have Red Bull running through their veins.”

One of the 4th graders tested, Richie Kroll, says the test results won’t cause him to cut back on the popular energy drink. “I can’t imagine a life without Red Bull. Even a day without it would make me feel empty. It gives me wings, just like the commercial says.” Richard then proceeded to sprint around the room for several hours screaming the lyrics to Ariana Grande “Problems” while crapping in his pants.