BALTIMORE, MD – Surgeons at Johns Hopkins announced today that they have performed the world’s first successful personality transplant. A personality was taken from a donor with multiple personality disorder and given to a recipient with absolutely zero personality.
The recipient, Todd Boznanzky of Bethesda, MD, was described by his mother as a “wet-blanket, nothing-person, who never really moved the needle either way.” Upon release from the hospital, Boznanzky told reporters that he looks forward to “really getting out there and being somebody.”
The donor, who has asked to remain anonymous, was given $1,000 for their role in the procedure, and all costs surrounding the operation were covered under Obamacare.
The science involved in the procedure is highly complex, and one of the toughest hurdles the medical team had to tackle initially was the question of whether people are born with no personality, or lose their personality over time. A consensus on the issue has yet to be reached, and the debate will surely continue within the medical community in the aftermath of this groundbreaking operation. Doctors now hope to extend the applications of the personality transplant surgery to include helping people afflicted with shitty personalities, including: jerks, narcissists, assholes and other generally awful people.