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Does Halloween Candy Cause Autism? One Dangerously Speculative Celebrity Wants to Know

at 5:35 pm | By


autistic halloween candy

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Hi, I’m Brijette DeLaVonz. You might remember me from my time as a famous Hollywood Celebrity. Yes, I was on one season of the Real World. Yes, I did do adult films in the 90’s, but now I’m a mom. And, it turns out that that rare combination of skills and experiences actually makes you an expert in child health.

As one of the most qualified minds in the field of mommy blogging, it’s up to me to ask the questions no one who is actually educated dares to ask: Does Halloween candy cause autism?

Some of you are saying, Brijette, that’s ridiculous, of course Halloween candy doesn’t cause autism. But what many of you don’t know is that I have an autistic child, Jaxxon, at home. Jaxx is the light of my life. My ex-husband, the bass player from Ratt, and I love him the same amount as our regular kids, and my current husband, the bass player for White Snake, hardly ever notices he’s there. Whenever we need our dvd’s alphabetized or the laundry color coded, we give Jaxx a mountain dew and let him go to town.

But what you don’t know is that, for the first 6 months of his life, Jaxxon was raised on a diet of nothing but Halloween candy. You see, 10 years ago, right before getting pregnant with Jaxx, I was clinging to the last 6 months of my hotness, and signed an exclusive modeling contract as the spokesperson for Charleston Chews, while the company attempted an ill fated, sexy rebranding.

The pregnancy was very tough for me. For the entire nine months, I was a perfect mom. I practically quit smoking and only did coke on the weekends and on Wednesday nights after 7:30 pm. Well, as soon as I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, I went on a bit of a bender, to make up for lost time. As a result, all I had to feed him were Charleston Chews and other products given to me by tootsie roll corporation, and, now, wouldn’t you know it, my son has autism. If it wasn’t the Halloween candy? What could it have been? I’ve thought about this for literally hundreds of minutes, and I can’t come up with another explanation.

So, this Halloween season, keep my cautionary tale in mind when you allow your children to eat candy. Don’t let your kids be autistic, too.

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