Charleston, South Caronlina – Tragedy struck on Wednesday, June 17th, as Dylann Roof opened fire and killed nine people in one of the city’s oldest historically black churches. Roof, who escaped the scene of the crime was caught early Thursday afternoon after a tip from a civilian reported suspicious activity. These last two days are extremely saddening to everyone involved, including Satan himself, who had a few choice words about shooter Dylann Roof.
“That f*cker is going to burn in hell,” Satan said as his forehead steamed with rage. “I’ve let a lot of bad things slide: Hot Pockets, Kevin Smith films, and even Honey Boo Boo- but this is just horrific.” The Lord of the Underworld tried his best to comprehend what would make someone commit such a senseless act of violence, but couldn’t wrap his head around it. When he consulted with his entourage, which includes Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Joan Rivers, they too couldn’t believe what a prick this kid has to be.
“Trust me,” Satan said, “when he gets down here — which will be soon — we’ll make him endure one of the worst, most heinous and awful areas of hell: the Cleveland Greyhound bus station.”