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Finally My Chance Has Come to Bone That Pig

at 5:00 pm | By
(Photo by Getty / Kevin Winter)

(Photo by Getty / Kevin Winter)

I’ll never forget where I was. 1:02 pm, Tuesday, August 4th. I was refreshing the Facebook fan page of Miss. Piggy, hoping for a new bikini shot, when there it was:

It was the news I’d been waiting for since I was a 12-year-old boy, jerking it to VHS copies of the original Muppet Show. Miss Piggy was finally single and, now, I finally have my chance to bone her brains out.

Now, you might be saying to me, Clayton, we know you’re doing great. You own a thriving a pig farm, with over 30 unique animals that you have sex with on a consistent basis. You have it all, why throw it all away chasing a celebrity pig?

The answer is simple. I’m tired of having sex with these uneducated, country pigs. Sneaking out to the pen and luring them into my sex den with a trail of apple cores that leads to my penis is a routine that has grown old and bothersome.

I want a real courting process. I want to have copulate with an animal that is classy and sophisticated. I want to fornicate with a pig that has seen the world and that has mostly made love to a frog whose penis I can only assume is very small, so small in fact that even a below average human penis would put it to shame easily.

I want deep conversations. I want to increase my awareness of culture and the arts. I want to make love without constantly worrying that I can’t compete with a big fat pig dong.

So, mark my words Miss Piggy, I’m coming for you, and nothing—not even crushing inadequacy issues—will stop me.

Would you do the same? SHARE this article and let me know your thoughts!