BATON ROUGE, LA – Louisiana State University’s graduating class of 2015 learned quite a few life lessons at this past Saturday’s commencement ceremony at the Pete Maravich Assembly Center.
Unfortunately, those lessons came from Tucker Bus, inventor of the popular sex toy, “The Fleshlight.”
The speech, titled “Anything is f*ckable if you’re brave enough,” was equal parts profane, self-aggrandizing, and gross. It covered topics like pubic grooming, getting the best deal from hookers, and how to turn a Fleshlight into a flashlight. (You simply “cram a penis-sized flashlight into a Fleshlight” – so that’s a thing you know how to do now.)
The low point came when Mr. Bus answered a phone call and spoke to someone he repeatedly referred to as “Broseph Stalin” about a line of Tap Out branded suits in production.
When reached for comment, LSU officials admitted Mr. Bus was not their first selection, but after they were unable to get Lil Wayne or “the Mom from Family Guy” they were forced to make other arrangements.
The speech ended on a somewhat high note though as Bus handed out free fleshlights to any man interested in becoming a total creep.