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Florida Rallies Behind Goat Blood Drinker Because Florida

at 3:22 pm | By

“…Yes, I drank the goat’s blood.”

hillbillies standing in a swamp

Credit: Shutterstock

The citizens of a noted horrific state to live, Florida, have rallied behind Augustus Sol Invictus, a libertarian candidate for senate in the state, who admitted yesterday that he killed a goat and drank its blood as part of pagan ritual to “the god of the wilderness.”

When asked for his opinion on Invictus, one Florida resident, who would only identify himself as “Alpha Dawg” took a break from smoking crystal meth out of discarded colt 45 tall boys to tell reporters “that guy sounds bad ass!” Though, Mr. Dawg did say he wouldn’t be voting for Invictus “on account of sex with gators being a felony.”

It appears Mr. Invictus’ strange admissions haven’t hurt him, and have in fact endeared him to some residents of the state that—minus Miami, Disney World and some old Jews—is a cesspool of white trash and backwards water people.

At press time, Invictus was making a strong surge in the polls, having skyrocketed among bath salts using juggalos, which make up 14% of the Central Florida electorate.

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