Chad Yan, a gay child who was resuscitated after drowning early this morning, described hell as ‘hot’ and ‘tormenting’ to his family members after recovering from the incident. Yan, who was declared legally dead for a minute before a combination of CPR and an adrenaline shot brought him back to life, painted a vivid picture of a desolate hell-scape covered in molten rock and presided over by an army of horned devils answering to Satan himself.
“As soon as I got there a big scary guy with bat wings but the face of a goat stabbed me in the chest and made me drink lava. It hurt really bad. He said he was doing this because I have a crush on my friend Johnny and not girls,” Yan told reporters before bursting into tears, like the sinner that he is.
Yan’s parents were not surprised by the news. “We always suspected Chad would grow up to be gay. You’d think God would let him slide and at least put him in purgatory since he’s only seven and hasn’t actually engaged in any gay acts but, the lord works in mysterious ways,” Chad’s father, Matthew, was quoted as saying.
“We’re just happy we were able to resuscitate him so he could enjoy 60-80 more years of life before returning to hell for eternity where he belongs.”
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“A scary guy with bat wings made me drink lava because I have a crush on my friend Johnny.”