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General Mills Promises Products Will Remain Nutritionally Bankrupt

at 5:00 pm | By

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(Photo by Flickr / Mike Mozart)

At a press conference held earlier today, Jim Murphy, President of General Mills, announced his company would stop using artificial flavors and colors but promised the company’s products would remain nutritionally bankrupt.

“We’re not going to poison your children with bright colored chemicals anymore,” Murphy declared, to much fanfare. He continued, “we’re going to poison them the old fashioned way: with enough sugar to give an elephant diabetes.”

While other manufacturers fear children won’t be excited by breakfast cereals without bright, vibrant colors, Murphy is confident kids across America will continue to eat his products, because American children are overweight sugar addicts and American parents are lazy.

The General Mills Chairman closed his remarks by saying, “Look, we all know you’re not going to get up early and cook your children a nutritionally balanced meal. At the end of the day, you value those extra 20 minutes of sleep more than you do the health of your kids. That’s why we’ve eliminated artificial flavors and colors. So you can feel a little bit better about yourself while serving your children over processed sugar balls to start their day.”

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