SANTA CRUZ, CA – It’s the thought that counts. The old adage popularized by terrible doctors was recently put to the test, and much like those doctor’s medical outcomes, it didn’t go well.
Pharmaceutical heavyweight GlaxoSmithKline was exploring a line of over-the-counter get well soon cards to treat everything from wounds to viral infections, but results from a recent study have put those plans in question.
When asked to summarize the findings, one researcher involved with the study said simply, “Massive loss of life. Like, almost no one got better.”
GlaxoSmithKline is often undeterred by catastrophic results and an internal email obtained by the Farce Report confirms they will be bringing the cards to market anyway.
“Lulz, you think we’re gonna throw them out just because it totally doesn’t work? You do know half of our products are vitamin B and horse dander, right? Except for that hepatitis pill, that stuff will get you SO high if you snort a bunch of it.”