God is kind of a jerk.
In a move that has stunned many liberals and atheists, God announced he has flooded South Carolina in retaliation after the state removed the confederate flag from its capitol building earlier this year.
God, speaking through a South Carolina man named Troy, also highlighted the poor performance of the University of South Carolina’s football team and the fact that Troy’s girlfriend started having sex with Troy’s friend, Earl, as key causes of the flooding that has ravaged the state.
“Yup, God told me if the flag don’t come back, the Gamecocks don’t turn it around, and Missy don’t stop blowing that fat loser Earl, we might could be under water for good,” Troy was quoted as saying.
“Also, God ain’t too happy about all this queer stuff going on. In fact he also told me he did Katrina cause he seen two guys in New Orleans kissing on each other’s mouths and butts.”
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley has reached out to Troy multiple times, however each time she has called, Troy has been laughing too hard at Larry the Cable guy YouTube clips to hear the phone ring.
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“And he ain’t too happy about all this queer stuff going on either”