This morning, after a secret meeting in the Situation Room, a top-level White House official, who asked to be left unnamed, revealed that an anonymous tip reported by an unidentified intelligence agent has claimed that potentially dangerous information could possibly have leaked to unknown sources.
What do we know about these unknown sources? First, they can directly effect your life, in all possible ways, and they may already have. Second, it’s your choice who’s to blame for the yet-to-be-revealed controversy.
Of course, we cannot confirm any of this, and we refuse to investigate. It would be unfair to our reader if you found out we held onto these FACTS when they could have saved your life.
Our best advice: do as we do and overreact, because under-reacting would be unpatriotic. And it’s exactly what the unknown sources want us to do. As one senior government source may have quoted, “This is possibly the worst news we have heard since yesterday’s and will be until tomorrow.”
Stay tuned for more ground-breaking reporting by real, acclaimed* journalists.
*Our mothers think we’re doing a terrific job.