News so real... it probably isn't

How I was Finally Convinced to Marry my Stalker

at 3:12 pm | By

If I don’t love him, he’ll force me to!

 

woman with stalker behind her

Credit: TJFritz; Shutterstock

Finding true love in this hectic, modern world can be really difficult. I tried getting set up by my friends, I tried online dating, I tried the bar scene, it was all one disappointment after the other. That is until I opened my horizons and found love in the most unexpected place.

Since I was in my mid 20’s a handsome line cook from the TGIFriday’s across from my office has been stalking me. When I was younger and naive, I dismissed this kind, gentle soul. Going so far as to take out a restraining order against him. Can you believe that? But, after a particularly demoralizing breakup left me scatterbrained, I forgot to lock my back door and we’ve been happy together ever since.

There’s just something romantic about a man that’s willing to sleep in a puddle of his own urine and feces, exactly 500 feet feet away from your house, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Also, he’s good with his money. He budgeted and bought really expensive binoculars and camping equipment, so I knew he’d be able to provide for me. Want someone that’s good around the house? Well, when he used to routinely break into my bedroom to sniff my socks and underwear, he folded them so nicely you would’ve thought Martha Stewart herself was organizing my dresser.

At the end of the day, I was just looking for someone that was really interested in me. And Ernest is interested in me. He’s interested in my stories, my work, my eating habits, the trash I throw out, my bowl movements, why another guy would have the audacity to speak to me, he wants to know it all. So, if I go missing, just know it’s because I love my stalker Ernest and have eloped with him, but most importantly, you can be sure that I have definitely not been abducted by him.

OH GOD HE FINALLY LEFT. MY HADNFS ARE TIED UP IM TYPING THIS WIHT MY TONGUE. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE HE COMES BACK IM LOCATED AT 43–

Love your stalker? SHARE this article!

Share