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How Will My Son Beat Up Women if They’re All Becoming Rangers?

at 1:00 pm | By

“Who will I overpower now?”

misogynist and a female us army ranger

(Photo by US Army / Getty)

The men in my family aren’t known for much. We’re not handsome, smart, or interesting to be around. I haven’t held down a job for longer than 8 consecutive months. I’ve been evicted 6 times and I park my car– which I often sleep in– in front of my cousin’s house so that it isn’t repossessed. No, us Flannigan’s aren’t known for much, but one thing we are known for is being abusive husbands and boyfriends.

I’m an insecure, impotent man and my whole life, my only release has been treating the women in my life like garbage. I grew up in a time where women couldn’t accomplish as much as men, and even the ones that were smarter than me, could be slapped around if they ever asked inappropriate questions like, “Why don’t you get a job?” or “Is it healthy for a man to come that quick every time?”

But now, two women have graduated from Army Ranger school, and I have just one question to ask the U.S. Military: how am I supposed to explain this to my son? What am I going to tell my ugly, bucktoothed 12 year old who can’t read yet when he asks me if he’ll always be able to beat up any woman that upset him? Am I supposed to say: ‘No son, we don’t hit women. We treat them as equals, get to know their dreams and goals, and forge relationships with them based on their personalities?” like some kind of wimp? How am I going to let him know, without crushing his fragile world, that there are women out there that are not only intellectually superior but also physically superior to us?

This is all us morons had, and you took it from us, U.S. Army. I for one am not going to stand for this. As soon as my ex-girlfriend Krystal goes to work, I’m going to break into her home, steal her lap top and have my current girlfriend Krystal make a petition to fight this!