The Farce Report took part in some investigative reporting to find out if furniture could talk, what would it say?
We took the latest in furniture analyzation technology to bring you the thoughts and words of real furniture. We even gave each piece of furniture we tested a personality test to really understand what furniture is like in the dark. What we found out might shock you. Mainly, furniture is kind of a jerk.
Lamps are bi-polar. One minute they’re hot and excited, the next they’re cold and dark. It’s hard to get to know a lamp because they’re always screaming, almost uncontrollably. Most questions were answered the same for the lamp. For example, when we asked it if it had dreams, it replied, “AARGG I’M A F*CKING LAMMMPP.” When we asked it felt sympathy for human kind it said, “AARGG I’M A F*CKING LAMMMPP.”
Couches are actually pretty big lazy sacks of crap with Cheetos crumbs all over them. They just sit there all day acting all frumpy and dumb. All the other furniture hates the couch for its gluttony, often taking up more than half the room. Almost all the furniture had something bad to say about the couch except for the lamp which said, “AARGG I’M A F*CKING LAMMMPP.”
Dining Room Table
The most popular of the furniture, it’s one of the only places that an entire party can surround. Unfortunately it makes the dining table very arrogant and, honestly, kind of an annoying douche. If it had hands, it’d be one of those guys that raises its hand for a high five, then takes it away.
Well, hello Mr. Know-it-All. The Bookshelf will not shut up, and everything thing it says makes everyone in the room really uncomfortable. We get it, you’ve read Sartre and Nietzsche, but talking about the black abyss of nothingness that is a furniture’s life does not help make the Lay-Z-Boy more comfortable.
Sad Patio Furniture
Venture outside and you’ll meet this depressing piece of forgotten metal (or wood) and fabric. No one likes the patio furniture and it knows it. It revels in it. It enjoys the rain and the soul-crushing sun that beats down on its rusted metal. Sorry, buddy, but you deserve it.
Truly a crappy life.
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