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“If You’re At Yoga and I Have PTA, Who’s Going to Pick Up the Kids?”

at 2:00 pm | By

“Really, I just want to know…”

man frustrated in front lawn

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Okay, so you have yoga at 4:00, and I know how much it means to you. I know you tell me all the time that’s it the only part of your day that really is for you. That’s great. I’m even totally cool with the fact that it’s just you, your trainer Brad, who’s basically a younger, more physically fit version of me, and another student named Brad who also happens to very physically fit but has more of a Brad Pitt look. That’s fine. I let you do your thing, even when that thing happens to sometimes take several hours and you come home wet because Brad 1 made you take a shower. I don’t know how he forced you to take a shower, but whatever.

What I really want to know is, who’s going to pick up the kids?

You see, you were the one who told me I needed to become more involved in the children’s life. That’s why I signed up for PTA, despite your paranoid theory that I signed up only because Candice Millan the single mom who used to be a beauty pageant contestant, and even Miss Wyoming once is the treasurer. Why did I mention that? I don’t know I just think it’s a noteworthy fact about Candice. It’s not the point!

Okay. Usually, yes I can pick up the kids, but Candice asked me to spend some extra time discussing the school’s budget for next year. She is the treasurer and I am a skilled accountant, and you know that. Can I help it that we’ll be hungry and will work better at a classy restaurant where we can fill our stomachs? I mean, she suggested it. Afterward, if we still are working through this budget stuff, sure I might need to stop by her place, because, again, I’m doing this for the kids. To be closer to them.

But speaking of the kids, who’s going to pick them up?

I’d be happy to ask our nanny Nancy, but you seem to have it in your head that there’s something going on between her and I ever since you came home to us skinny dipping in the pool after the kids were asleep. It happened once, ONCE, and you act like it’s a big deal. She’s legal and a free spirit. I wouldn’t have done it if she didn’t propose the idea. I was just trying to act young and let loose a little bit like you asked me to.

So if nanny Nancy is out of the picture, who’s going to pick up the kids?

I knew you’d bring up Charles. Listen, Charles is a great guy, and I’m sure he’s a terrific co-worker, but when I find him tip toe-ing out of our closet at 1 in the morning after I just flew home early from my PTA Conference with Candice in Cancun to surprise you, I’m a little weirded out. It’s like “Hey Charles, don’t you think it’s creepy that you’re hiding in a closet while my wife is trying to sleep in her favorite lingerie and garter belt?” Like, that’s a little much for me. Sure, I get it, he needed to give you the Waymayor Report that you asked for, but how about just emailing it rather than sitting in our closet until you wake up to hand it to you? It’s just a little much.

So I’m sorry, but I don’t want Charles dealing with our kids. So the question remains, who’s going to pick up the kids?

What about our neighbor Sylvia? Yeah, she’s nice. Sure, I think she’s attractive, that thing she does with her hair is very trendy right now. So what if I have a little crush on her? That doesn’t matter. It’s our kids I’m worried about okay? Listen, let me walk over there and see if she can do it. Just warning you, she might ask me in for coffee, she’s sweet like that, and I’d rather not be impolite — especially considering the circumstances. How do I look? Should I change my shirt?

Alright, here I go, let’s hope she can pick up the kids.

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