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In Honor of World Oceans Day, BP to Cut Oil Spills in Half

at 12:47 pm | By
Bob Dudely at a press conference

(Photo by ERIC PIERMONT/AFP/Getty Images)

Bob Dudely, CEO of BP, just held a heartfelt press conference where he stated the importance of the World’s oceans. “The thousands of species of animals and plants is truly important to the life of this spinning blue marble.” He stated from a pedestal made of ivory. As he pulled from his large cigar, he seemed to be lost in deep thought about this great planet of ours.

“We want to do our part in helping the Earth, and its oceans,” he admitted, “That’s why, today, on —hashtag —World Oceans Today, we’re going to cut the amount of oil we spill into the deep blue in half.” Dudely held out his hand, hoping to stop the flow of applause he expected to come (though it did not). “Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bob, why not stop ALL of the oil from spilling into the ocean,’ and we hear you. But it wouldn’t be fair to the ocean. I mean, some of the oil is from the ocean floor. We want to give back, too.” At this point, BP’s VP of Operations, the devil, whispered something into Dudely’s ears. “Oh yeah, also, it would just be too much work.”

Dudely ended the press conference by sacrificing a lamb and biting into its beating heart.