WASHINGTON D.C. – Recently unsealed documents reveal the dark truth about America’s most infamous pudding peddler: Bill Cosby got a metric sh*t ton of Quaaludes in an attempt to have lifeless, non-consensual sex.
The report was a bombshell for many reasons. For starters, Cosby’s admission means the story has legs – and not the legs of the 25 women who already told us this, many times, often under oath – but man legs. The kind that journalists need to take a story seriously.
Secondly, the report all but guarantees Bill Cosby will be going to jail at some point where his silly face-making humor will really be put to the test as he tries to jokes his way out of getting “Cosby-d” himself.
Lastly, it means Jell-O will have to scramble to pull their admittedly questionable new products, Quaalude-flavored pudding snacks, Jell-O packs, and popsicles. Company executives claim they don’t remember signing off on the product, but after a hazy 17 hour meeting with Cosby, the deed was done.
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Dessert company can’t remember signing off on new flavor.