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Loser Diagnosed as “Not Having Sex” Addict

at 2:27 pm | By

 

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Doctors have diagnosed noted loser, Raphael Chazelle, as a “not-having-sex” addict. According to an article published earlier this month in the Journal for Not Having Sex Addiction, Mr. Chazelle exhibits all the telltale signs of the condition. Despite verbalizing a desire to “hookup” with women, in the last 6 months he has spent more money on World of Warcraft expansion packs than deodorant and, though he does have an active Tinder profile, his bio tagline simply reads “cool story now make me a sandwhich (sic), babe.”

Dr. Alphonse Moreno, lead researcher at the NHSA Clinic and author of the article, also confirmed these general findings with scientific evidence.

“We put Mr. Chazelle through an MRI machine and recorded his levels of arousal while viewing multiple forms of media. He showed no increase in sexual excitement while viewing a adult video featuring a traditionally attractive woman. However, when Mr. Chazelle was shown a video entitled ‘Insane Head Shots Halo 2 Compilation,’ his levels of arousal were so strong, well, let’s just say we had to thoroughly clean the machine after he got out of it.”

A tearful Chazelle addressed reporters from a press conference in his home saying, “It’s true, everything the doctors are saying is true. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop not having sex. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused my family, still living in their basement as a 28 year old man. I’ve been taking all the money my father’s given me for condoms and spent it on Mountain Dew Code Red and 7/11 taquitos, and for that I hope I can one day be forgiven.”

Though it initially appeared Chazelle had made some progress, and was on the path to recovery. Surveillance footage caught him entering a retro video game store on the same night that the Farce Report learned he failed to show up to a blind date.

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