In a stunning display of self control, local man Jon Moore actually waited one minute to eat the hot pocket he was microwaving for lunch this afternoon. Though many individuals high on marijuana have microwaved food and forgotten about it for up to a half-hour at a time, Moore’s heroics mark the first time a sober person has ever willingly complied with the directions to let food “stand” after microwaving it.
Moore, for his part, reacted with nothing but humility to his accomplishment. “People have been throwing around the term ‘hero’ a lot, but honestly, I just went out there and followed the directions on the box. After years of burning the roof of my mouth I figured: these hot pocket-people can make low grade meat, dairy, and a bunch of chemicals almost taste like a cheesesteak, they’re probably pretty smart. I’m gonna follow their directions.”
At press time, it was still unclear whether Moore would exhibit the same kind of self control a second time, when he would inevitably have to reheat his hot pocket, to warm the icey-cold center.
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