News so real... it probably isn't

Century-Old Message In A Bottle Is World’s First Recorded Sext

at 2:10 pm | By

“A truly historic discovery.”

 

Message In A Bottle

Twitter: @SalenaZitoTrib

CARRICKFERGUS, NORTHERN IRELAND — A century old message in a bottle that washed up on the shores of Northern Ireland yesterday appears to be the world’s first recorded “sext” message.

Over 100 years ago, a British scientist named George Parker Bidder dropped 1,021 glass bottles into the sea. 1,020 were dropped as part of an experiment designed to figure out how currents worked at the bottom of the ocean. The final bottle was dropped in hopes that it would find his wife, Martha.

“I broke open the letter and couldn’t believe what I read,” said fisherman Mickey O’Flanagan, who found the message.

“I thought maybe it would be someone on an island asking for help, or something like from the movies, but it was mostly a man talking about his penis and the places he would like to put it.”

The Farce Report has obtained an exclusive copy of the racy letter. Find an excerpt of it below:

Martha, are you awake? What, pray tell, are you clothed in? I rather hope it isn’t much, yes I rather hope it isn’t much at all! Truth be told I count the seconds until I can peel off your britches, and place my bobble whacker betwixt your heaving breasts. Until then, won’t you be a doll and send me some nude lithographs?

Are you inspired by this beautiful message? SHARE if you care!

Share