Area woman Cynthia Hayes admitted to reporters yesterday that she has no favorites within her family and that she loved her perfect daughter Emily just as much as she does “the other two.”
“What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t show the same affection to those two piles of human garbage Eric and Claire as I do to my my glorious firstborn, Emily?” Hayes asked, while gazing lovingly at a 3rd grade class photo of Emily, now 34.
“Motherhood is about accepting everyone for their unique talents. For example, Emily was first chair violin in her high school orchestra, a gifted field hockey player, and attended Brown on a full scholarship,” the suburban mother of three beamed while recounting her daughter’s accomplishments.
She then furrowed her brow, sighed and said “And Eric was one of the best salesman at Gamestop until they discovered security footage of him taking lewd photographs with that Princess Peach cardboard cutout,” Hayes paused to take a drink of a thermos that smelled as though it was filled solely with vodka.
“Now he’s fired, and joining his sister Claire in exercising her special talent: living in my basement and never holding down a job,” she shouted the final part of her statement down a stairwell that leads to the basement where Eric and Claire currently live.
In conversations with the Farce Report, all three of the Hayes children echoed their mother’s sentiments.
Emily Hayes, reached via Skype at her weekend cottage in upstate New York, spoke at length about her mother’s warmth and compassion and her constant willingness to support Emily as a child, no matter how far fetched her dreams seemed. “Without my mother’s strong, caring presence, I never would have become the world’s first pediatrician/architect, making millions of dollars designing and working in hospitals for children in 3rd world countries. I get to do what I love and help people every day and it’s all because of my mom!”
During a joint interview conducted in their mother’s basement, Eric and Claire Hayes shared some of their favorite memories of Cynthia Hayes’ eccentric parenting strategies.
“Oh yeah, Mom was great. I especially loved when she wouldn’t let us eat any food on the days Emily had field hockey games because ‘only athletes need the nutrients.’” Claire Hayes recalled, before her brother shared a colorful anecdote.
“My favorite part of being a kid was the first time I brought home a C report card and mom burned my Sega Genesis right in front of my eyes. She called it ‘the flames of mediocrity.’ She burned everything I loved in those flames.” Eric told reporters while holding back what appeared to be tears of joy and nostalgia, as the great love he felt for his mother overcame the unemployed 24 year old.
Just because Mrs. Hayes’ children are grown up, it doesn’t mean she can’t continue to spoil them. In fact, she has already planned this year’s Christmas presents. Emily will be receiving a cashmere sweater in her favorite color, lilac. For Claire and Eric, Mrs. Hayes has purchased two fine suitcases so they can “pack their bags,” as she intends to “have them evicted if they’re not out by January first 2016.” That’s the kind of tough love you only give to the people you truly care about! Wow, Emily should be jealous!”
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