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Nation Somberly Resets “Days Without Mass Shooting” Clock

at 1:15 pm | By

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of Thursday’s movie theater shooting in Lafayette, LA, the White House somberly reset the nation’s “Days Without A Mass Shooting” clock to zero. Though the country was sad to see to see the clock reset, the majority of Americans weren’t surprised by the resetting, as the “Mass Shooting Clock,” is seemingly reset every couple weeks now.

At his desk in the Oval Office, a defeated-looking President Obama quietly opened the file on his laptop named “Mass Shooting Speech.doc”. Like a disturbing mad libs game, the President made the necessary edits regarding the particular circumstances of the most recent shooting. Mr. Obama didn’t bother to change the parts of his speech when he asks those listening why this keeps happening and pleads for common sense gun reform, since the questions and answers are almost always the same, and no one seems to be listening anyway.

Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the National Rifle Association, CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre rehearsed his own speech, though he had nearly committed it to memory from his previous times delivering similar words. The gun rights advocate was careful to stress his points of, “calling for sympathy and prayers for the victims and their families in this tragic time,” but he was also sure to remind his audience that, “now is not the time for politicized rhetoric and debate.” In tough times such as these, LaPierre finds himself comforted by that last phrase, repeating it to himself each morning as a daily affirmation of purpose.

The nation mourned its latest tragedy, and those affected began to piece their lives back together. Pundits from the left and the right shouted at each other on the cable news networks. Op-eds were written. Congress debated. The Mass Shooting Clock ticked away, and America hoped that it might be a little longer this time before the clock was reset again.