BRISTOL, CN – America’s top athletes broke out their immaculately tailored birthday suits for this month’s issue of ESPN the Magazine and the photos have left nearly everyone else feeling super sh*tty about their bodies.
“Look at me, my legs look like trash bags full of popcorn,” said a 6’3, 113 lb Cross-Fit medalist we spoke to after seeing the pictures.
“I’ve never really worried about what I’m packing below the belt, but after seeing Odell Beckham… I bet he has to put a ‘no trespassing’ sign on that thing to keep people from building rope swings at the top of it,” said another person we spoke to.
But despite the fact that these stars would leave Adonis envious, we can all take solace in knowing they’re also tremendously wealthy and beloved by thousands and thousands of people.
Editor’s Note: Apparently “solace” does not mean to feel much, much worse. We apologize for the mistake.