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Nation’s Illegitimate Children Excited To Watch Fathers Play In NBA

at 3:44 pm | By


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The NBA season kicked off last night with contests between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers and New Orleans Pelicans and Golden State Warriors. And while basketball fans all over are excited, one specific subset of viewers is particularly thrilled: the illegitimate children of players who finally get to see their fathers.

All across the nation, watch parties have sprung up, hosted by the ex-girlfriends, former booty calls, and one night stands of current and former NBA players. For the young boys and girls attending these parties—most of whom were born roughly 9 months after NBA all star weekend—watching their fathers compete on TV is the closest thing they’ll get to quality family time.

“I’m so happy my mom was a cheerleader for the Lakers and had low enough self esteem to be talked into unprotected sex, now every Christmas I get a pair of my daddy’s shoes and a Christmas card of him smiling with his real family!” exclaimed Allan Johnson, a seven year old who, for legal reasons, could not disclose his father’s name. (But, let’s just say his favorite plus size women’s clothing store is Lane BRYANT if you catch our drift.)

In any case, young Allan wasn’t upset his father couldn’t be in his life more, the way he sees things, his family situation could be worse.

“My older brother’s father is a DJ! Mommy doesn’t even let him in the house.”

When asked about the challenges of raising an NBA player’s child on her own, one mother responded “Who are you? Are you a college scout? Look at my son, he’s twelve and over 6 feet tall. Please take him, please. He’s gotta make it in the NBA. He’s gotta! I can’t strip forever. Please lord let my son make it to the league.”

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