MANCHESTER, TN – One of the largest marijuana studies ever conducted just wrapped up at the Bonnaroo Arts & Music Festival and the results are somewhat confusing.
The popular summer sweat fest proved to be a perfect test site due to the thousands of subjects high as balls — and researchers didn’t have to provide one ganja leaf of the controlled substance.
But when it comes to results, things didn’t go so well.
“We hoped to answer a lot of questions about how cannabis affects the brain. Instead, we got answers to questions we didn’t ask,” said one dejected researcher.
The study’s disappointing findings included:
“Socks are like underwear for your feet, man.”
“Jet skis would be way cooler if they were called ‘boatercycles’.”
“What’s the difference between an elephant and a pothead?”
“It would be super un-chill if belly buttons could come untied.”
“Are eyebrows facial hair?”
The study was not a complete failure, though. The results were conclusive enough to prove that Billy Joel is still beloved despite his recent admission that he did, in fact, start the fire.